Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Breaking Up

I didn't know how it would feel to really have parted ways. My heart is broken and the vast open chill that is Iqaluit serves as a metaphor for my life right now. To step out side and look over the spanses of emptiness sends chills up my spine that remind me of how alone I really feel here. Isolation is terrifying.
I have loved Matthew since I met him and been with him for five and a half years. High school sweethearts, he was my first love and he's been by my side through all of my troubles. He held my hand through the fragile trials of teenage hood and loved me through it all. I know that maybe it had to come to an end and I know that we were far from perfect for each other but that doesn't change the half a decade we spent as each others best friend.
I never understood breakups, I still don't. I don't know how people who at one time or another meant so much to each other, can cut each other out of their lives. I want to be his best friend until the end of my life but I'm seeing the impossibility behind the idea.
My Aunt Lyn once sat me down as a child to offer some advice and comfort as I dealt with my parents divorce. My siblings and I were very young but to children so small, something like the end of a marriage is a massive ordeal. I didn't understand the way it was so difficult for my parents to communicate. Their anger towards each other hurt me to see. Aunt Lyn said, "the more you love someone, the easier it is to hate them." She was trying to justify the way they spoke to each other and the line stuck with me all these years. I used it to soothe myself time and time again. Now it is coming into play again in my life.
It is so hard not to have the support I need here and its hard not to run to his arms for the safety and comfort that I have known for so long. There have been times when we decided to take breaks from each other but always ended up soothing one another through the hurt of it and it would never fail to bring us back together, whether it should have happened that way or not.
This time, we decided to take a break because I found myself unsure. When its right, your just supposed to know... aren't you?
He wants me to be happy, he keeps saying that and all I want for him is happiness. If, in the long run, we'll be happier apart, then it should happen now. He is determined to succeed at being apart but its difficult when we share mutual friends and our only support system is made up of co-workers. For the time being, we are living as roommates, which makes it hard to avoid thinking about things. He doesn't want to let me into his mind, or talk openly and I know its because hes afraid that we will end up right back where we started. Instead he uses avoidance and treats me insensitively to avoid sharing emotions that will bring us closer.
If I were home, I could trade the safety of his arms for my dads or my brothers and the loving conversation for the companionship of my sister. I could climb into my moms bed and cry with her. I could find support around every corner. But the reality is, I am stuck in the arctic and as much as I love my friends here and as supportive as they've been, nothing compares to knowing that the people who love you most are minutes away from you.
I don't want to give away this experience, I don't want to give up on my job, no matter how much it exhausts me. I don't want to leave here and look back with regret. Not booking a ticket for the next flight out is the hardest thing I've forced myself to do. At times, I look in the mirror and I watch the tears run down my face, I ask myself how the hell I'm going to make it through this. I never anticipated moving here and ending up so alone. I didn't know until now, how truly difficult it is to be away from family. I wonder every second of everyday, what good will come out of this. I pray for direction and strength and the courage to follow my heart, but today, I cannot see the light in the situation. I am hurting so badly and although I know it will pass, I also know it will be hard to live through.


Stacey said...

I know you have put much thought & love into your decision & whatever the decision it feels wrong. Your heart is pulling you in two directions; one towards your best friend the other away from your first love. My heart goes out to you in this lonely time, you are in my prayers. I read a quote from Mother Theresa; “I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.” You will find your way. Sending you hugs!

In Iqaluit said...

Oh dear! I am sorry to hear but I am beyond impressed how logical and rational you are about this. Hugs to you!

(The EXACT same thing happened to me when I worked overseas. Hang in there!)